Joey and Tristan's Horrifying Tabletop RPG Experience
by Silver Arctic Wolf
Summary: Yugi and the gang are really getting into tabletop RPGs, but there's just one problem: Joey and Tristan are murder trolls! Bakura and Yugi insist the two leave the group, but Joey and Tristan fight back. When the answer to their problems shows up in the form of Kaiba, who needs testers for a new game, will the two trolls get more than they bargained for?


**Joey and Tristan's Horrifying Tabletop RPG Experience**

"Hey, wait up, Yug!" Joey called out. "Me and Tristan want in on your session!"

"Yeah, last week was hysterical!" Tristan said.

Yugi, Téa, and Bakura paused and exchanged nervous glances, each seeming to urge the other to respond to Joey and Tristan's query. It seemed Yugi lost the staring contest, for he was the one who had to step forth, albeit reluctantly.

Scratching his nose and grimacing, Yugi said, "Uh, sorry guys… We sort of told some other people they could play."

"What!?" Joey cried out furiously. "You replaced us?! Who?! Who did you get to take our spots?!"

"Rebecca and Duke," Yugi said.

"What?! You've got to be kidding me! Filler characters?! Kick them out right now and let us play!" Joey's furious gesticulating made Yugi shrink and cower.

"Alright, alright!" Bakura stepped in. "Look, guys, the truth is, the rest of us really don't find it funny when you murder every NPC before they can even tell us what the quest is supposed to be. It ruins the game for the rest of us."

"Aw, come on! We were just making the game more interesting!"

"Well, I really think you guys should sit this one out," Bakura said.

"Excuse me, Bakura, but I was asking Yugi! Just 'cause you didn't like it, doesn't mean everybody else didn't!" Joey put Yugi in a friendly headlock. "And we're best buds, right, Yug? You got what we were going for, yeah? Don't let Bakura ruin our fun!"

"Um…" Yugi looked very troubled.

"Hey, Joey… Man, maybe we should just find something else to do today." Tristan seemed to get what was going on a little better than Joey.

Fortunately, the solution to their problems arrived at that moment-in a limo.

"You poor, simpering do-gooders! Just when I thought you couldn't get any more pathetic, here you are squabbling over table scraps!" Emerging from the limo was Seto Kaiba, with a smug smile on his lips. In his right hand he carried a silver briefcase filled with wads and wads of cash whose only purpose was for reminding people of how much richer he was than them.

"Hey! Watch it, Kaiba!" Joey yelled out.

Ignoring the request, Kaiba said, "Now, I heard your little social spat here, and I thought I would solve all our problems at once by letting Wheeler test out my brand new game. And the dungeon master would be yours truly, of course. It's a real honor, one you really don't deserve, but don't think about it too much or your tiny brain might start hurting."

Wondering how Kaiba had heard them from his limo, Téa and Bakura fell to whispering about listening devices, but Joey and Tristan on the other hand were oblivious of such perils and became super excited at Kaiba's proposal.

"A new game? That sounds awesome! We're in!"

"Shut it, you sniveling sycophants, and follow me!"

"That means me too, right?" Tristan asked. "Well, he didn't say I couldn't go at any rate. Yes!"

"Ah, yeah!" Joey and Tristan hopped into the back of the limo and helped themselves to the soda in Kaiba's cooler. They'd snuggled into the cushy seats and made themselves at home when Kaiba pried the door open to berate them.

"Get out of that limo, you meandering morons! We're taking the helicopter!"

As if on cue, a helicopter zipped over a nearby skyscraper and dropped down next to the limo, its propellers sending torrents of air over the area and making everybody except Kaiba flinch.

"Awesome!" Joey yelled.

Tristan gulped. "Did I ever tell you I don't do well with heights?"

Joey and Tristan piled into the helicopter behind Kaiba and were flown away, much to the relief of Yugi's group.

"Well, that solves that problem," Yugi said, "But between Kaiba and those two, I have to wonder who's going to have the worse time…"

On the ride over, Tristan and Joey broke into Kaiba's helicopter cooler for some more refreshing soda. Kaiba didn't comment on the two treating the helicopter like their own, but he did have an important announcement. "Listen up, Wheeler, this may seem like a golden opportunity for someone with as low an intelligence as you, but there will be one condition for your participation."

"I hope it's not an entrance fee, because I'm broke."

Joey found out what the condition was once they had landed at the helipad on the roof of a testing facility belonging to Kaiba Corp.

"Argh! This is so stupid! Why do I have to wear this dumb dog suit?!"

"It's to help with the immersion, Wheeler: now everyone will be able to see you for the dog you really are."

"Why you!" Joey made a fist and grit his teeth. "Well, how come Tristan doesn't have to wear it?!"

"What a stupid question. Now sit down, we're here."

After Kaiba entered a code on a keypad to open the high-tech, automatic door, they entered a large room. In the center of the room was a long wooden table covered with character sheets, the dungeon master divider, dice, and an array of other things necessary for a tabletop RPG adventure. And all around that, mounted in the walls, were dozens of holographic projectors, the very latest and cutting edge models that Kaiba Corp had.

"Hey guys!" said Mokuba, another feature of the room. "So Big Bro got you to test this game out? That's great! I was worried we wouldn't be able to keep the production cycle on track since he kept scaring off the playtesters."

Kaiba sat down at the head of the table and put a ring-like apparatus that was glowing with all the colors of the rainbow over his head.

"What's that?" Joey asked, mystified.

"I thought I told you to stop asking questions, Wheeler. Well, for your edification, this is Kaiba Corp's latest and greatest invention! It projects the wearer's thoughts into reality, thus dispelling the need for anyone but the dungeon master to strain their imaginations- A real boon for a simpleton like you, Wheeler. And of course, I'm the only one smart enough to actually use it."

"Tell that to our marketing team," Mokuba said sarcastically.

"Alright, alright, let's just start the game already," Joey said, in a sour mood from all Kaiba's insults.

"Oh boy!" Tristan cheered. Being beneath Kaiba's notice had its benefits.

Kaiba began the game in a somewhat sarcastic and very mocking tone: "Alright, your journey begins in the farwaway land of Monstertopia, a land full of mystic wonders and poor medieval hygiene." As Kaiba spoke, holographic images of a fantasy medieval realm, resplendent with great green forests, rustic farming villages, and exotic cities populated by giants, elves, and fairies appeared before Joey and Tristan's eyes. Spellbound and awed, the two could only gape.

"You begin in a poor farming village, weary from the travels you've conducted on your misguided and foolhardy attempts to become adventurers. You've lost your way and need to ask for directions, and a remedy for diarrhea since you fools have no idea how to take care of yourselves or not to drink water downriver from human establishments. As you're pondering what to do, an old man approaches you and begs for help finding his lost kitten. You can't help but notice his rancid garlic breath as he gets closer. What do you do?" Kaiba's fancy computers and lights made every detail come to life, including the rancid garlic breath.

"Alright!" Joey cheered. "This is what I've been waiting for!"

Tristan snickered. "Do it, Joey!"

"I take my axe and knock this old guy's legs off!"

Kaiba folded his hands over his mouth. "I'm going to need you to make a dexterity check."

"Huh?" Joey looked puzzled. "Sure…" He dropped a die on the table.

"Need help summing that up with your character stats, Wheeler?" Kaiba asked.

"No! Just hold on… One, four, carry the two… It's twelve."

Kaiba's gaze remained trained on Joey. Without checking any of his reference sheets, he said, "Too bad, Wheeler. The old man leaps spryly over your axe swing. Now, I'm going to need you to make a saving throw."

Joey raised an eyebrow. "A what?"

"Just roll the dice, Wheeler!"

"Argh! Fine! Um… It's a two."

A wicked grin crept across Kaiba's lips, a grin that seemed to say, "I've won!" After rolling the damage dice, he burst into maniacal laughter.

"What's so funny?" Tristan asked.

Kaiba took a short breath, then regained his composure. "Here's what happens: the old man slams his feet down on your axe blade, pinning it to the ground. Then the nails on his hands extend, transforming into razor sharp claws, and he rips off both your legs in one fell swoop!"

"Holy crap!"

As Kaiba's scene was projected into reality, Joey and Tristan turned pale and their whole bodies trembled. The horrifying sight of the kindly old man transforming into a horrifying demonic creature out of some horror story and then proceeding to rend his claws into Joey's flesh, ripping apart sinews and separating body from legs, frayed every nerve in Joey and Tristan's bodies.

Kaiba laughed again. "You asinine fools! Didn't you ever wonder what he was hiding under his garlic breath? It should have been a dead giveaway for what was to come!" With a smirk, Kaiba asked, "So now what do you do, Wheeler? Though I suppose it's rather a moot point; I don't imagine you'll get very far without legs."

"Oh man!" Tristan yelled. "I'm getting out of here! I run away!"

"Tristan!" Joey was horrified, and his voice trembled with icy fear. "Man, you can't abandon me! My legs are gone! I need you!" He whimpered like a lost dog.

"Roll for it," Kaiba said to Tristan.

"What? Oh man, oh man!" Tristan's trembling hands fumbled with the dice, and it dropped down lamely onto the table. Eyes wide, Tristan looked to Kaiba. "Uh… Four?"

"There will be no escape!" Kaiba declared.

As Tristan ran, he other villagers emerged from their houses, cut him off, and surrounded him. They too transformed into hideous beasts and poised to strike with their fangs and talons.

"They'd never let you get away! You've attacked one of their own! These villagers will hunt you down to the ends of the earth!" Kaiba erupted into laughter again.

"No! No! No!" Tristan let out a bloodcurdling shriek as the villagers took ahold of him and then shot their barbed tongues out, licking his skin and biting into his organs until there was nothing left but bones and scraps of flesh. Tristan collapsed in a heap on the ground.

Dark circles under his eyes, Joey shook Tristan, who was curled up and sobbing in the corner of the room. "Get ahold of yourself! It's just a game! It isn't real!" It was no use. Tristan couldn't be awoken from his catatonic state. Growling, Joey looked to Kaiba. "Yo, what kind of messed up game are you running here, Kaiba?!"

"Foolish Wheeler! Did you really think you had a chance of winning? I control everything in the whole game! I'm invincible! It was inconceivable that ninny Neanderthals like you would ever stand a chance!"

"Uh, Big Bro…" Mokuba interjected. "Being dungeon master's not really about winning, you know? You wanna maybe tone it down a little?"

Still with a thin, mocking smile on his lips, Kaiba said, "Alright, Wheeler. You get one more chance. Seems the villagers are feeling merciful. Seeing you bleeding out, and having filled their bellies by feasting on your friend, they leave you for dead and go back to their pitiful, impoverished lives. Now what do you do?"

Joey grimaced. "I… Uh… I run for safety!"

"Did you forget you don't have legs, you incompetent imbecile?"

"W-Well, I call for help then."

Kaiba's smirk seemed to say, "I have you now." Chuckling, he said, "I'm going to need you to make a saving throw, Wheeler."

"A saving throw? What for? I thought all the villagers left!"

"Just do it."

Joey rolled the dice. His face lit up. "Alright! A twelve!"

But his joy was soon torn away from him. "Not nearly enough when we subtract points for your missing legs, I'm afraid."

"What?! W-Well, what happens then?"

"Out of the dark maw of the nearby lake, a single giant tentacle reaches out and wraps its slimy suction cups around your tattered torso."

"Crap!" Joey cursed.

"No more, no more!" Tristan sobbed as the scene unfolded in front of him.

"The tentacle lifts you into the sky." Joey and Tristan nearly got vertigo as the scene abruptly shifted skyward.

"No! Put me down, octopus monster!" Joey wailed. He fell into a panic. "I cast a healing spell to restore my legs or somethin'!"

"Even if your character had any magic, it would be far too late for that, Wheeler. This is game over."

"Not so fast, Kaiba!" Making a triumphant entry, was none other than Yugi, and upon realizing the dire situation his friends were in, he'd transformed into his alter ego, Yami Yugi.

"Yugi!" Joey and Tristan cried out at once. "Help us, Yugi! We're dying!" The two broke down into tears and sobbed loudly.

"I quit Bakura's campaign early to come check on you all, and this is what I find?" Yugi said.

"Come to watch the show, Yugi?" Kaiba asked.

"I can't approve of the way you're playing, Kaiba! Everyone's supposed to have fun, but you're just torturing them! It isn't right!"

Kaiba chuckled. "Oh? And what are you going to do about it? Even you wouldn't be able to get out of this mess, Pharaoh."

"You think so? In that case, let me trade places with Joey and play for him."

Kaiba laughed. "Such a thing wouldn't ordinarily be allowed, but seeing as how this will be the perfect opportunity to humiliate you, I suppose I'll let you. Crushing a more worthy adversary will make my victory all the sweeter, and finally putting you in your place will be the icing on the cake!"

After Joey scrambled to the corner of the room to huddle together with Tristan, Yugi took his seat.

"Well then, Pharaoh, what action do you propose to take before your head is bashed in at high velocity on the nearest rock? Your move."

Yugi's eyes ripped across Joey's character sheet, looking for something that might save him, even as Kaiba pressured him. "Come on, Heart of the Cards…"

"Time's running out."

Yugi looked up at Kaiba, and that's when the answer came to him: he should be looking outward, not inward; the answer wasn't in Joey's character, but in the world around him, and part of that world was peeking out from behind Kaiba's dungeon master divider!

"Here's what I do, Kaiba!" Yugi declared. "I reach out my free hand and grab the Dark Magician's Stone out of the sky, and as you know, it grants me all the powers of Dark Magician!"

Kaiba's eyes went wide. "Impossible! How did he even know about that stone?" He looked down at his papers and gasped when he saw the item description peeking out from his divider. Not only that, but a shiny holographic projector behind the divider reflected the whole paper, rendering it readable to anyone with the ability to read words written backwards. Kaiba clenched his teeth in a ferocious snarl. "That cheater!"

Kaiba gaped and his eyes lit up. "Wait a minute! The Dark Magician Stone is supposed to be deep underground in a temple built inside a volcano. Why would it be in the sky?"

Yugi grinned and pointed at Kaiba. "Inside a volcano? Exactly, Kaiba! An eruption destroyed the whole temple and blew the Dark Magican Stone into the sky, right within my grasp!"

Kaiba was unable to keep the scene from unfolding in his mind. No sooner had Yugi spoken, than a holographic projection of a volcano erupting appeared, and a close-up revealed the stone in question shooting through the sky, soaring towards the lake where Yugi was being held captive by a giant octopus. Kaiba grimaced and dug his fingernails into his face. "Curse you, Pharaoh! Using my own incredible imagination against me!"

"Now, with the stone in my grasp, I launch a dark magic-"

"Hold on!" Kaiba raised his hand to stop Yugi. "Dexterity check! You can't expect me to just let you grab something out of the sky without a check! That's preposterous!"

"Very well!" Yugi rolled the dice and got the highest number. "Satisfied?"

"Urrghh! No, this can't… He had to have cheated to get that roll…"

"Now, I'll launch a dark magic attack against the octopus's tentacle! You can initiate combat if you want, Kaiba, but with this newfound power, this battle is sure to be over in a flash!"

"No…"

Kaiba couldn't even muster the strength to challenge Yugi. The dark magic attack obliterated the tentacle, and Yugi slid down the remains like a slide, landing safely at the lakeshore.

Furious, Kaiba declared, "Well, the joke's on you, because the commotion you just caused attracts all the villagers, all very displeased to be disturbed during their toils and very unhappy to see you still alive, and they all surround you, their finely sharpened claws right in your face."

"Oh no!" Joey and Tristan, still trembling in the corner, cried out.

"And I should remind you, Pharaoh, that you still don't have any legs and your life is slowly ebbing away as you bleed out! There's no way you can win this battle! This is the end for you!"

"Not so fast, Kaiba! I'll use a tactic you never could have foreseen: I apologize to the villagers and beg for their forgiveness!"

Kaiba's smirk returned. "Well, well, I must say groveling really suits you, Yugi, but I happen to know for a fact that Joey's character's charisma doesn't come close to being able to appease these bloodthirsty villagers, even with the highest dice roll. You're welcome to give it a shot, though. Here, take it!"

Kaiba threw a die to Yugi at high speed, but Yugi caught it like it was nothing.

"Very well, Kaiba. I'll show you my determination." Yugi looked to his friends. "Joey, I'll need to borrow your thick skull. I learned this trick in the original manga. Hya!"

Yugi threw the die full force at Joey's head. The impact knocked Joey backwards onto his back.

Kaiba laughed. "Yugi, I thought you were here to save your friends, not use them for target practice!" But Kaiba's mirth turned to astonishment when he looked at the die on the ground.

The die had split in two, and miraculously the two highest numbers were face up.

"N-No! This can't be! That's impossible!"

"It's over, Kaiba!"

With kind smiles on their lips, the villagers all transformed back into their human forms, then the elderly old man stepped forth and extended a hand to Yugi, who accepted the villager's sign of reconciliation.

Pulling on his hair, Kaiba screamed at the ceiling. "There's no way I could lose! I control everything! Darn it! Fire whoever made that die: Kaiba Corp products shouldn't break that easily! Ahhhhh!" Kaiba wailed in agony and paramedics on staff at the research center had to escort him to the infirmary.

Having won, Yugi took a deep breath, and transformed back into his regular self.

"Alright, ya did it, Yugi!" Joey said as he clapped Yugi on the back.

"Yeah! Good work!" Tristan tousled Yugi's head, ruining his perfectly coifed hair.

Yugi grinned. "Thanks, guys. And I hope you two learned a valuable lesson about how being a troll can ruin the game for everyone."

"Nope, didn't learn a thing!" Joey said, grinning.

"Except to never play with Kaiba," Tristan added.

"Hey guys…" After seeing to his brother, Mokuba came over with an apologetic look. "Sorry about my brother. If you want, I'll take over as dungeon master. I'll even give you your legs back (We'll say the villagers healed you as a sign of friendship)."

"Alright! Now's my chance!" Tristan said. "In my new ethereal form, I cast this spell here…" Tristan pointed to his character sheet. "…to take over Joey's body and make it my own!"

"Why you!" Joey balled his fists and shoved them precariously close to Tristan's face. "Give me my body back or I'll pummel you, Tristan!"

"No way!"

The two grabbed each other's collars, and pretty soon they were wrestling on the ground.

Mokuba scribbled down some notes. "Well, this test wasn't a total waste… Based on players' reactions, we should definitely remove that spell..."

Yugi let out a long sigh. "These two will never learn."


End file.
